So… where do I start?
Do I start with a man sitting on a railroad crossing at two ‘o clock in the morning? Probably not.
My last weeks have been pretty desolate. I’m back to my fasting/binging habits, that just seem to suit my body. I mean this month I have eaten for 5 days, and not eaten for eleven so far, yet I seem to gain weight, something I don’t understand, but must be related to binging. My overall goal is to starve me to death or to irreversibly destroy my organs so that I may die. I just can’t take it any more.
How I wish I got cancer! I have been smoking for 22 years now, to no avail. All those lies in this world. Smokers who are supposed to die earlier, to develop cancer, copd and what not. Apart from the fact (something most people don’t even grasp) that you cannot die earlier than you die, all this BS is used to rip off people, tax wise. As I always emphasize: if smoking actually were deadly, it’d be prohibited because then it’d be murder, right? It’s just preposterous. On the other hand, there are lots of slow motion killings going on that follow the same pattern: okayish for as long as it’s a proper rip-off.
There is just no help for the likes of mine. And I’m fucked. I’ve got no future because of all this Corona-BS, because politicians seem to constantly want to impede any effort I undertake in resolving my problems. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not a denier, I JUST LOVE CONTEXT. Anyway, what always puzzles me most is that politicians don’t act accordingly where there actually could be done something, instead they become overly enthusiastic where possibilities are limited or inexistent.
And in case of corona times they just seem to be willing to exterminate all hopes for everybody except for the lucky few.
I have been rather active on instagram the past months. As I wrote elsewhere, I thought (I am very naïve, seriously) I could pave me some sort of way into a profession, at least increasing notoriety.
Well. Not only is my blog here completely pointless, something I do understand because it’s about my pointless life, experiences and boring stories, same goes for instagram.
It’s fuckin’ crazy. I understand that you are being followed by people, only so that they can unfollow you as soon as you follow them in return. I don’t get it. Being nice, respectful and cooperating does not seem to be a value there.
I mean, I like a lot of other peoples work. I can’t afford paying for that or buying me stuff because I have no place to accumulate shit. My support is likes, comments, clicks – if this is what support looks like in century 21. Another one way road.
And then the sexting began. As of lately I am being harassed with invitations to video chatting with gals… Wtf. This world is so rotten.
I only have one spark of hope left. That is finding me a home, moving my stuff there and completely seclude me from everything. Then again, I should actually rid me of all my junk anyways, it’s unhealthy to adhere to things. It will probably happen anyway.
This month will be decisive. It’s either going to work out, or I’m going to kill myself. I can’t go on like this anymore. I can’t even afford to be alive. That is so stupid, probably the most stupid thing of all in this world: that you need to be able to afford being alive. Insane.
Three days ago, after my mother had been insulting me once again, I got drunk and binged like hell, spent the night on the railroads for a train to free me, but that didn’t happen. I’m a failure at absolutely everything I do, even if I don’t do anything. I’m such a failure, even fate fails freeing me.
Wish you all the best in this world, A.N.E.